conspiracy theories

as usual, i am posting something that is WAY overdue. or dated, at least. this was written closer to when the frightful bed bug epidemic of 200? occurred. anyway, better late than never.

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i love a good conspiracy theory.

how’s this for one? new york is facing a bed bug epidemic right now. in addition to the nuisance it creates for residential buildings, actual businesses—even historic businesses—are having to shut their doors and clean out their establishments. now, in our current national financial state, it occurs to me that one way to stimulate the economy would be to have some kind of public occurrence in which there exists a state of panic and fear. the media blows the event out of proportion, and a solution is provided by the government—which usually involves going out and buying stuff, right?

i mean, in addition to plastic coverings for your bed and box spring, there are actually bed bug sniffing dogs for hire! (and this is only if you’re being overly cautious; for those who actually GET bed bugs—well, you know the cost involved. [kind of makes you wonder if, maybe, this wasn't accidental, maybe?])

my point is, SPEND MONEY! that’ll fix whatever the current panic is all about!

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for starters, think back a bit. think red scare. not only does the typical american family need to stock a full kitchen for a family of four (including not ONLY food, but also all the THINGS necessary to open, prepare, eat, serve and clean) but you also better have an emergency shelter stocked and ready to go as well! i mean, are you gonna have time to move everything from one kitchen to the other as mushroom clouds blossom on the horizon? your government—and your media—want you to know that no such time exists, so you will definitely need food and water to survive in your underground shelter. but, then we’re back to that ole’ open/prepare/eat/serve/clean impasse again... so, you’d better stock up on all that for the shelter too!

while you’re at it, just in case, why not make your potential new 24/7 living quarters actually pleasant and habitable? you can then host all your nuclear neighbors and fallout friends in a comfy environment! become the best interior shelter designer in all of town! amaze your friends! piss off your enemies!

have you seen our latest line of nuclear fallout furniture suites? they are currently 60% off!

a few of the colors/patterns to choose from:

*fallout blue(s)

*earthen oak (for those who can’t afford the radiation-resistant paneling, and are actually just living in a hole they dug in the ground, with maybe a steel door overhead; cause let’s face it, who the hell can keep up with the joneses anymore?)

*halcyon hue

*checkered red (like the apron grandma used to wear on the farm, back when people actually grew their own food!) (hell, back when food was even REAL!)

the point is, as long as you have everything that is on “their” official LIST, then you will weather any storm.

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great. the world will be repopulated by automatons who shop on command.

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think Y2K: the millennium bug (tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1999!).

now, i have to admit, this one had me pretty convinced. (this was really my genesis as a slight conspiracy theorist and part-time apocalyptic nut, but hey, attention to this kind of stuff is more fringe [and more interesting] than, say, the current fascination with justin bieber’s hair, or who katy perry is sleeping with—and i would much rather dwell on the fringes....)

now, being an eagle scout, my preparation was minimal and efficient. i had a shit ton of matches, a pocketknife, lots of rope, paper, toothpicks, paperclips, shoestrings, weed, water purification tablets, a hammer, screwdriver, scissors, some random maps and a compass, and a big plastic bag ostensibly full of the most random useless shit that could actually probably come in pretty handy in an apocalyptic scenario. everything i needed fit in a 10x10x12 cardboard box. put me out in the woods with that and i think i’d stand as good a chance as most of us, with my vast wilderness experience. (boy scouts ain’t just about getting popped with wet towels by pedophile scoutmasters, people!*)

what did YOU buy? let me guess. gallons upon gallons of bottled water, an attic full of canned goods... what else? plastic covering for the windows? (which requires tape, right?) and didn’t “they” actually make quite a bit of profit on gas masks or some such nonsense? regardless, think of our panicked american public, driven to paranoia by the media and the government. YOU yourself may not have been that worried; but, this country is pretty big and pretty diverse, no? and those people have a lot of money when you put them all together, right? even poor people can buy bottled water and powered generators. would our economy not flourish with such an infusion of apprehensive and anxious apocalyptic spending?

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think swine flu. hand sanitizer: i would imagine that every church, school and hospital promptly went out and bought bottles upon bottles of hand sanitizer when this one broke in the headlines. now, how many churches, schools and hospitals do you think there are in the united states? WAY too many to count. and with bottles of hand sanitizer scattered liberally in each of these (better safe than sorry!), i imagine the shareholders for Purell made out quite handsomely. wouldn’t you?

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what else.... there was that one isolated incident where some crazy person was going to build an on-plane bomb from scratch with household bathroom items such as deodorant, lotion and toothpaste, right? and what was the result? anyone who wants to carry any of these things on the plane now has to put them in a ziplock plastic bag. however, the airport will NOT provide these for you; and they are not sold individually. so, how many millions upon millions of air travelers had to go out and buy ziplock bags for flying? (it is NOT fair to assume that everyone has these lying around in the kitchen. some folks don’t use them because they think this product wasteful. for some folks, this is a luxury item which their already-constrained budget precludes having. and some folks, like me, simply just don’t have them around.)

why not just say you can’t bring these personal items on board? wouldn’t this actually prevent someone from making a bomb through these means, which was the primary concern? doesn’t this make the most sense overall to you? not if your annual bonus depends on how well the S C Johnson Wax corporation does.

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flu shots. what’s in those anyway? EVERY year, we're told that we need to go out and get these! how much does it cost to produce these? what’s to keep them from stimulating the economy by just injecting saline into your arm and charging money for it? remember when there was going to be a supposed shortage of flu shots? quick! run out and get yours before they’re all gone!

who the hell knows WHAT they are injecting into your arm? you don’t! you’re not a scientist. your just afraid of germs. don't even get me started on the topic of vaccines.

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whatever the emergency du jour, the government has an official list of things you should have on hand—all of which precipitates a stimulation of the economy in one way or another.

here, let’s examine “their” official list (sorry, i don’t have the official site this is from. my bad. but, it is basically cut and paste from the CDC or some other government websites. i’m sure you can find them if you look):

“You may need to survive on your own after an emergency. This means having your own food, water, and other supplies in sufficient quantity to last for at least three days. Local officials and relief workers will be on the scene after a disaster, but they cannot reach everyone immediately. You could get help in hours, or it might take days. In addition, basic services such as electricity, gas, water, sewage treatment, and telephones may be cut off for days, or even a week or longer.

Recommended Items to Include in a Basic Emergency Supply Kit:
Water, one gallon of water per person per day for at least three days, for drinking and sanitation
Food, at least a three-day supply of non-perishable food
Battery-powered or hand crank radio and a NOAA Weather Radio with tone alert and extra batteries for both
Flashlight and extra batteries
First aid kit
Whistle to signal for help
Dust mask, to help filter contaminated air and plastic sheeting and duct tape to shelter-in-place
Moist towelettes, garbage bags and plastic ties for personal sanitation
Wrench or pliers to turn off utilities
Can opener for food (if kit contains canned food)
Local maps
Cell phone with chargers, inverter or solar charger
Additional Items to Consider Adding to an Emergency Supply Kit:
Prescription medications and glasses
Infant formula and diapers
Pet food and extra water for your pet
Important family documents such as copies of insurance policies, identification and bank account records in a waterproof, portable container
Cash or traveler's checks and change
You can use the Emergency Financial First Aid Kit (EFFAK) - PDF, 277Kb) developed by Operation Hope, FEMA and Citizen Corps to help you organize your information.
Emergency reference material such as a first aid book or information from www.ready.gov.
Sleeping bag or warm blanket for each person. Consider additional bedding if you live in a cold-weather climate.
Complete change of clothing including a long sleeved shirt, long pants and sturdy shoes. Consider additional clothing if you live in a cold-weather climate.
Household chlorine bleach and medicine dropper – When diluted nine parts water to one part bleach, bleach can be used as a disinfectant. Or in an emergency, you can use it to treat water by using 16 drops of regular household liquid bleach per gallon of water. Do not use scented, color safe or bleaches with added cleaners.
Fire Extinguisher
Matches in a waterproof container
Feminine supplies and personal hygiene items
Mess kits, paper cups, plates and plastic utensils, paper towels
Paper and pencil
Books, games, puzzles or other activities for children”




now, some of these make sense. but, come on. imagine facing a disaster if you live in a 3rd world country. don’t you think those folks might laugh at us, reading this list?

we really are ridiculously spoiled.



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* regarding pedophile scoutmasters, i want to be clear right off the bat: MY scoutmasters were honorable, decent men, and this comment is not directed at them.**

** however, with the recent attention paid to potential (ha!) (oh wait, sorry. innocent until proven guilty! right?) sex abuse cases at both penn state and syracuse, this got me thinking about how the floodgates might be about to break open. (as well they should.)

(by the way, is it just me, or is it interesting how this current national scandal diverts attention away from the catholic church? just saying.)

it also got me thinking about my own past, and how there were 3 such “abbreviated” instances in my own life—abbreviated meaning i wasn’t sexually assaulted, but . . . well, there was just something not right about it:

one with a scoutmaster type (i don’t know what his “rank” was; this was a man i had never met popping me with a towel in the shower, for christ’s sake. in the presence of others, mind you, but bizarre nonetheless.) one with a “person of the cloth” (of a monastic order, i believe. not as bizarre, but several instances that just didn’t sit right.) one with a choral conductor. this was the most bizarre, as it wasn’t directed just at me, but several of us high school singer-types; the strangest thing he did was shower with the curtain 1/2 open, and, well, he just spent a LOT of time in the bathroom.

so—how many of us have had these unwanted sexual advances directed at us in our most formative years? geez, it’s no wonder our culture is so screwed up. (obviously, this is another post that needs attention at some point. so, put that on your to-do list and smoke it!)

anyway, um; ew?

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