Existential Angst - Part 1 of 3

Last night on Facebook, I posted “I don't think I'm going to be around much longer. Just a hunch.” First, I want to start by saying thank you to all those who checked in on me. I was actually surprised to get any response at all. More on that later.

Secondly, I want to make it clear, publicly, that I would never harm myself. My constitution is such that I’m not capable of that. My post was a possible premonition more than anything. Apart from those who develop some kind of terminal illness, nobody really knows when their time will come. But, perhaps through history there have been some who just had an inkling for whatever reason? And that’s where I lately find myself. Again, just a hunch. 

Thirdly — and I really need anybody who reads this to fully digest what I am saying: NOTHING I write below is meant to single anyone out; and I am not trying to guilt trip anyone whatsoever; and more than anything, this was not some scheme to increase the number of contributors I have in support of my Patreon project. Please understand that, from the bottom of my heart. 

With that being said, though, I have been having a hard time as of late, experiencing what I would call existential angst. And that does require a frank discussion about my Patreon — as well as a few other factors which I’ll address in subsequent posts. 

Angst #1: The Patreon Problem 

I will not divulge the number of Patreon supporters I have, and it doesn’t matter how much money I have raised in the form of recurring, monthly contributions. It’s honestly not even about the amount, it’s about the support, the solidarity. It’s about the appreciation of me and my multiple original, creative ventures. But it’s also about stepping up in a time of great financial need, and saying “Man, he’s fallen on hard times. He’s worth it, so I can definitely help out with at least a little bit!” 

And I am truly touched by those who HAVE signed on — they are an incredible blessing. I even have folks who are financially struggling themselves who have sent me a meager donation through Venmo or PayPal. But I have to be honest: I am downright surprised by the number of people who have outright ignored me. Let’s dig into that. 

When I lost my job in April, I was like a deer in headlights for a good solid month, wondering how the hell I was going to make ends meet. Many of you know that I was unemployed for 2-1/2 years during the pandemic — and after frantically searching for a new job that entire time, I ended up securing a position simply because “I knew someone.” Which is how it usually goes, right? There is something incredibly fucked up about the way securing employment works in this country, and I felt like one of those myriad casualties slipping through the cracks, only to be saved at the last minute. But, again, ONLY because I found a place that needed to fill a vacancy I was qualified for, and I JUST so happened to know someone there. The whole process of job seeking in the USA is a demeaning, demoralizing exercise which often makes one feel like they don’t even exist. This produces its own sense of existential angst. 

Having experienced that feeling for such a long time during the pandemic, I foreshadowed exactly what has come to pass for me: that because of my resume, which reads like I’m a Jesus Freak, there is no way I’m going to find employment outside of that environment. And church jobs really aren’t ubiquitous. So, I really have a limited number of options — probably fewer than the average Joe. Enter the Patreon idea. 

I thought long and hard about how many creative ventures I’ve had in my life. Specifically, how diverse my creativity truly is. I think it’s fair to say that I’m an incredibly accomplished musician, but I think many of you would likely say I’m also a gifted writer. And, I’m unique, weird, and whacky enough that I’m willing to try completely new things just to further put myself out there to see if anything sticks, and to be able to say I’ve had that experience. Did you all see my rap video? LOL. I’ve honestly recently thought about trying my hand at stand up comedy as well. Why not, right? 

Then I thought long and hard about all of the incredible connections I’ve had over the course of my life. I’ve been involved in SO many vastly varied networks and know SO many different people from completely different backgrounds. I figured, with THAT many people who call me a friend, or who respect me, or who have appreciated my past artistic output: I figured I would be able to put together enough support through my Patreon that I might even be able to fully support myself just doing creative things. Dare to dream! Maybe that would mean moving back home to NC where the cost of living is much cheaper, and that I could even be closer to my family — but that I would still be able to raise that kind of financial support. And I believed this because given the size of my network(s) and my astounding number of friends, I figured most of my friends would be willing to chip in $1 A MONTH to this cause. Sure, I realized there would be a handful of folks who simply couldn’t help out even at that level, for whatever reason. I understand it’s a tough economy; I know that a lot of folks are struggling with debt; our current given political reality might give some a pause; others have health issues they need to attend to first. I get it, I really do. 

So, I thought to myself, “Surely enough folks can afford to chip in $1 a month towards this, because they love me and appreciate me. And, who can’t afford $1 a month?” It was, I believed, really quite a brilliant approach. I literally have enough friends to make it work at that paltry amount, as I knew I would have some folks give at higher levels. (A BIG thank you to those of you!)  

I was completely wrong. I honestly wasn’t counting on the majority of my friends either saying they can’t support me, or just flat out ignoring me altogether. And there are even a good number of folks in my network who said they would support me, but have not yet done so. (Again, please understand this is NOT directed at any particular individuals.)

Also, after a month of fundraising, I curtailed that targeted approach and simply started creating, assuming the public as a whole would appreciate my output and show their support once they saw how much I was actually producing. In the midst of the most creative 2 months of my entire life, I’ve picked up four new subscribers. 

So, I’ll simply say that the number of people who signed up to help me in this time of need is drastically far less than I could have possibly imagined. And perhaps I’ll even lose some of my current supporters due to this screed. I hope not, but it won’t surprise me. And again, the number of people who have outright ignored me is actually pretty painful to bear. It makes me wonder if we’re even friends anymore? And if not, then why are we “friends” on social media? 

I believe I’ve posted elsewhere that, since I never had any progeny — and I think that ship has pretty much sailed — that my creative ventures are my de facto legacy. And I take immense pride in everything I’ve accomplished over the course of my creative life. So, with the initial Patreon page I put together, after highlighting 12 different “irons in the creative fire” I’ve had over the course of my life, I confidently with much excitement and anticipation asked the general public, “Do you all collectively think I should be living my life as a creative person — producing things for YOU, and for society writ large — or do you think my purpose here on earth is simply to have a full time job?” And the general public RESOUNDINGLY responded, “Yeah, no. We think you’re just supposed to have a job.” That has been an incredibly tough pill to swallow. 

So, that’s part 1 of my angst. In part 2, I’ll talk about social media response and analytics. Whoo boy. 

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Please support my work. Patreon subscriptions preferred! But including Venmo and PayPal as well for single donations - for those wary of signing up for new subscriptions lol. 

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