The Problem of Toilet Seat Etiquette in Public Restrooms

So, I wonder… Have any of you males out there ever been chastised for "leaving the seat up" in the bathroom? Surely you have noticed that restroom etiquette, mostly according to females (starting with our mothers), dictates that the toilet seat should always be left down after finishing one’s business. Due to severe conditioning since a very early age, I have almost always blindly followed this feminine mandate like a good little soldier, even when I lived in the men’s dorm in college (well, okay, the boy’s dorm). However, there is an inherent problem with this mandate.

Dear reader, in case you haven’t noticed, in most public restrooms that men use (which encompasses countless establishments that have unisex restrooms), the toilet seats are NASTY. Why? I’ll tell you why: because they are COVERED IN URINE. Why are they covered in urine? Because some men are too stupid to lift the lid before they piss. Most of the time when I use a public restroom, I think that I’m the ONLY man who ever lifts the seat. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here! Didn’t all men learn to lift the seat? Unfortunately, we men did not all grow up with Miss Manners.

Now that I think about it, a lot of men did not grow up with any common sense either. In retrospect, this toilet seat issue has ALWAYS confounded me because men occasionally have to sit down to do a "number two." And as every man (except those with bizarre fetishes) surely feels, it is absolutely disgusting to put your butt cheeks on another man’s urine. Can I get a witness on this one? Surely, we have ALL experienced the process of meticulously wiping off the seat (sometimes not so meticulous because business is calling rapidly) and have realized, in the process, how nasty it is that the seat – OUR seat in the present moment – is covered in human excrement.

SO, I have two pertinent questions:

1. Why in the world do some men NOT lift the seat? Guys, you ALL know that at some point YOU will have to sit for a #2 in a public restroom. So, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING by not lifting the seat for #1? You make me very sad. I try to tell my close female friends that men do not always have sex on the brain. But apparently, even as you are simply walking to the bathroom to do #1, you pass some hot woman, your brain shuts off, and you are unable to think about anything except how to get laid. I can’t think of any other possible explanation as to why you would urinate on a seat that you yourself might have to use in the future.

2. More importantly, why do women not only DEMAND that the seat be left down, but make such a BIG DEAL about it? "Oh my GOD, that’s so nasty – so inconsiderate – that man left the seat up!" Women, it makes me even sadder that your unceasing and unquestioning loyalty to convention, tradition, and standards has blinded your ability to think logically on this matter. I would think that in a culture full of men who urinate on your toilet seats, you would be THRILLED to see a man leave the seat up after using the toilet. You should encourage such behavior.

I would like to propose a solution: let’s make women do the work for a change. Let’s ALL leave the seat UP – let that be its natural resting position. If we can instill this idea nationwide, then we can all put the seat DOWN when we use the restroom (men, for #2 only, please) and it won’t be covered in urine, since the stupid, lazy, sex-always-on-the-brain man will not urinate all over the seat every time he goes to the john.

Pass this one on. Let’s see if this idea catches on. If it does, then it will merely be the first blow (of many) to convention, tradition, and standards that I intend to make over the course of these writings. Cause let’s face it. The world is messed up. It’s time to start fixing it.