How to Fix New York City!
I’ve now lived in NYC for 25 years. At this point, I can’t even remember or imagine what it’s like to be a simple tourist and the insanity they must necessarily go through to navigate the city. But even for us tried-and-true New Yorkers, there are still many bizarre characteristics to this city we must deal with daily.
As I am currently job searching, including in other states, there exists the possibility I might not be living here much longer. With that in mind, short of announcing a mayoral candidacy, I’d like to share some thoughts (in no particular order of importance) I’ve had over the years about how we can make NYC a better place for all — tourists and townies alike. Let me know what you think!
1. For the love of god, can we PLEASE turn off the air conditioning in the subway cars WHEN IT’S THE DEAD OF WINTER? If ever there was a “you had one job” moment, this is it, folks! But I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve put my hand up to the vent to check, thinking “surely I must be crazy,” only to find out I am not, in fact, crazy — and that they are blasting cold air into the already cold train. Someone please make it make sense. (Author’s note: “I am not, in fact, crazy” refers ONLY to this issue at the present moment. 😅)
2. Here is another subway issue, and one that drives me absolutely insane. (Because I wasn’t already crazy lol.) In some stations, connecting trains arrive right across the platform. For instance, on the red train line, at 96 and 72 Street the 1 local train is directly adjacent to the 2 and 3 express trains. It is incredibly maddening to pull into the station on a train while on your way to work, only to see that connector you need pulling out of the station just as the doors on your train open. I know the MTA has a schedule to keep, but damn! This ain’t Switzerland! Is it really going to disrupt the daily schedule to wait just 1 minute longer so that commuters can catch the next necessary train in order to be punctual for their jobs? This is most egregious for hourly employees who have to punch a clock, as that train missed by 1 minute can literally cost them a quarter hour’s worth of wages (even more late at night). Please fix this immediately. You’re messing with people’s money.
3. BY LAW, a business address MUST physically be on the actual street or avenue where the main entrance is located. When we come above ground from the train in an unfamiliar neighborhood, we obviously depend on posted addresses to get our bearings. And believe it or not, sometimes we are under a time constraint. So it’s incredibly confusing and unhelpful to have the long midway point on, say, 50th Street between Park and Lexington Avenues, to display an actual address that claims to be on Park or Lex. I understand that a “22 Park Avenue” address is more chic than “180 East 50th Street,” but it simply makes NO sense whatsoever to be on 50th street and not have an address that reads 50th Street. Just stop.
4. This one, mostly for tourists, has been addressed by others in the past but bears repeating. When your family is walking down the street, please don’t walk four abreast clogging up an entire sidewalk. New Yorkers walk FAST and we need a “passing lane,” which is rendered impossible by a family so insecure they NEED to all be beside each other. Walk in pairs, 2 in front, 2 behind, nonnegotiable. You should get a citation otherwise.
5. I get that there is an occasional huge event in the city and the NYPD needs to “corral” the people presence — such as parades down Fifth Avenue. But within 24 hours those huge concrete blocks and metal gates need to be removed to return the city to its natural walkable state. It’s a huge pain especially at rush hour to have multiple unmovable barriers that restrict pedestrian flow as everyone has to queue up into “single lane foot traffic” to cross through the small opening created that only one person can fit through at a time. We want to get home to our families and pets. Quit adding additional commuter time with your poor planning.
6. Speaking of parades, can the NYPD please have CLEARLY COMMUNICATED MESSAGING about which streets you can cross to the other side? In most cases they have literally NO idea where you can cross an avenue during a parade in order to get to your job or your home on the other side. And in the remaining cases, they will literally just lie to get rid of you. Is it really that hard to establish, for instance, that every 10 blocks will be a thoroughfare for crossing? That would be easy for even the least intelligent Po-Po to comprehend. (“Sir, just walk up to 70th street, you can cross there.) But it’s usually just “CAN’T CROSS HERE, BUD, KEEP MOVING.” Ridiculous.
7. One of the most irritating facets of NYC life is the throngs of people barreling into the intersection just to have to stop due to a crosswalk light keeping them from walking into oncoming traffic. I swear, it always seems like a race to get to the intersection at the expense of those currently crossing with the light. This, too, is stopping the flow of walking traffic, as people have to “weave” through dozens of bodies who accelerated their pace just so they can sooner stand as they wait to cross. Hurry up and wait, right?
8. Along those same lines, can we please adjust the damn traffic lights (and accompanying pedestrian walking lights) so they are more closely aligned with the average speed of city walkers, and not set to only favor Zen Buddhist monks and joggers? Some of us get our cardio solely through brisk city walking, and it gets annoying to have to decide whether to either uselessly stand at EVERY SINGLE INTERSECTION or to sprint to get across in time to avoid this wait. (Not to mention the anxiety it produces to have to make this decision repeatedly — again, at EVERY SINGLE INTERSECTION.) Seriously, just add 10 seconds to every light change across the board. Problem solved.
9. More fines! Yes, I said it. The city has to raise funds for its bloated budget, right? So here’s a few ways to do that: AUTOMATIC fine for litter of any kind. (Including cigarette butts! Please stop throwing these in the street as they likely end up in the Hudson River!) AUTOMATIC fine for blocking traffic in the intersection. (By speeding through that yellow light into obviously established gridlock, you’re saving what? 5 seconds off of your commute? Meanwhile adding to the commute of those you’ve cut off from moving forward themselves. The resulting incessant horn honking is also not pleasant.) AUTOMATIC fine for leaving dog poop on the sidewalk. (Seriously, folks? Can you imagine what would happen to the quality of life for EVERY new yorker if every single dog owner just left poop behind? How the hell anyone thinks they are exempt from picking up their shit boggles the brain.)
10. Automated, remote controlled smoke detectors are required for every single apartment in the city. Jesus H. Christ, those alarms are an absolute acoustic assault on the senses and it seems there is literally no way to turn them off, short of yanking them out of the ceiling and clipping the wires. I understand that fire prevention is a citywide concern and that it's important to know if the adjacent apartment is currently engulfed in flames. But it doesn’t need to be so loud that they can hear it 3 blocks away, and it shouldn’t be set off every time you burn bread in the oven. Create an app for our phones, and when the signal starts screaming, the occupant can simply open the app and click “off.” Those alarms are so loud that when they go off, I literally run out of the room hands over my ears to find earplugs to protect my sensitive hearing. I can’t be the only one going through this every time I decide to cook something.
11. Used clothing, old furniture, and electronics drop-off points at every single fire and police station or library. Are we not yet all aware just HOW much stuff is tossed in the trash because it requires advanced planning for an all day affair just to recycle something no longer needed? I want to at least TRY to help the environment. I shouldn’t have to take the subway and an additional bus, with a bulging bag full of whatever in tow just to prevent it from ending up in a landfill. We need to encourage civic and environmental responsibility, not make it a challenge which apathy will squash.
12. Bagels. All New Yorkers love them. And they are available on literally every street corner. But holy hell, if one asks for the typical accompanying cream cheese, can we please standardize the amount? By my count, the current choices are what I call “the total skimp” and “death by cream cheese.” Can we agree to something somewhere in the middle? It’d be nice to count on at least a little flavor and texture without worrying our cardiologists.
13. Likewise, the PA speakers in all subway cars need to be standardized immediately. Doesn’t the MTA sometimes have an important announcement commuters might actually need to hear? It seems like the current acoustic oversight is setup such that individual cars will be occupied either by folks with spidey-sense super hearing — those who could literally hear a pin drop in the midst of a melee — or by all the deaf inhabitants of the city. There exists this little thing called “average” for everything in the world. That applies to our collective hearing ability as well. This is one of those rare instances where one size DOES fit all -- so please make it so we can actually hear the important announcement without pushing us one step closer to needing hearing aids.
14. Can we all finally recognize we live in a LARGE community with one another and that the deli worker is not there specifically to cater only to our individual needs? Meaning, WAIT IN LINE, BUD. This is a pervasive problem similar to the dog walkers mentioned earlier who leave piles of steaming shit on the sidewalk without hesitation or remorse. There are over 8 million inhabitants here in Gotham, and we all want to place our order in timely fashion and need to get to wherever we’re going as soon as humanly possible. That doesn’t give you the right to not only skip but completely ignore the existence OF A LINE OF PEOPLE LIKEWISE WAITING TO BE SERVED. A bit of southern hospitality would do well here. (“Excuse me, did you already order? Okay, thanks.”) It’s easy peasy, folks.
15. In the name of god and the glory of all that’s holy: ONE SINGLE POST ON CRAIGSLIST FOR WHATEVER THE HELL YOU’RE ADVERTISING. It’s bad enough when you’re scrolling through the site and have to repeatedly pass by thirty identical entries by those who seem to think that if you virtually smack someone over the head nonstop, they’re sure to answer your ad! But it’s even worse when they spend precious time actually crafting different headlines or descriptions as if they think they might finally trick you into whatever it is they are posting about. Thanks for those repeated posts about needing a drummer, buddy. We get it. YOU NEED A DRUMMER. We hope you find one, we really do, but please leave some online real estate for those with other needs as well. My time is precious, I don’t need to spend even one minute more reading your same headline 50 times in a row.
16. This one isn’t NYC specific, but can we make it ILLEGAL for websites to ask you if you want to remember your username and password when you have entered THE INCORRECT USERNAME OR PASSWORD? I swear I feel like this society is setup to simply suck ALL of our spare time with these types of inanities. You can offer the option to save that info AFTER you are correctly and securely logged in. We’re just talking seconds out of a day with many of these issues overall, but those seconds add up over the course of our lives, do they not? So save me a few seconds and don’t offer me something I have no chance of legitimately accepting. (This is tantamount to email spam offering car insurance to people like me who don’t own cars, baby monitors to single folks, contraceptive pills to men, or free cheeseburger coupons to vegetarians. Just stop it!)
17. Due to the existence of crime, I can understand the need for a business to leave the lights on in the storefront window. But to leave every single light on in your store overnight every night? Doesn’t that seem a little financially wasteful and environmentally irresponsible? Pass the cost on to the consumers, I guess.
18. And last, but not least, how about as soon as you register an address in NYC as your permanent residence, the city provides you with a stainless steel coffee tumbler and a reusable water container, so that we can start to reduce our collective usage of disposable coffee cups and plastic water bottles that likely number in the millions per day?
That’s all I’ve got for now, to start fixing the problems with NYC, folks. What do you have to add to the list? I'd love to hear your suggestions about this city, or even other cities!
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