Was it all worth it?
“Was it all worth it?”
I’ve lately been running through the history of my life in my mind, and this pestering question has become rather pervasive. I came to NYC with high hopes, dreams and aspirations, and then like a crack in a thundercloud, 25 years flew by. I’m now unemployed, broke, drowning in debt, and about to lose my health insurance.
In those 25 years, I’ve made several significant cultural contributions the likes of which this city has never seen. But for now, apart from a handful of folks, nobody knows who the hell I am. I have entertained audiences for decades with the gift of music and writing, but I might as well have been taken out with last night’s trash afterwards. Literally every time I have ever opened my mouth to sing, at least one person (if not many) has approached me, wide-eyed and beaming, to exclaim “You have the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard!” Such compliments are wonderful and well appreciated but you can’t eat compliments.
The problem is that in this virtual world we all inhabit, there are billions of people competing with each other, vying for attention. There are tons of actual talented creative types like me who get pushed aside by the insecure need of every social media addict to simply garner likes - usually with content they didn’t even create. More and more of which isn’t even created by an actual human being, as social media is ostensibly now being taken over by AI Slop (that’s an actual term!)
So, for example: Here in NYC, I have done THREE full blown concerts of Grateful Dead music in national landmark religious institutions — a feat I believe nobody else has successfully pulled off in any major metropolitan area. And I have literally had folks tell me immediately after, “Holy crap, I can’t believe what I just experienced!” And as they leave, they pull out their phone with the intention of sharing about the evening and telling all their deadhead friends. Had this happened, I might be a fully self-supporting musician with the necessary funds at my disposal to even keep doing these unique concerts — much less feed myself. But THE MINUTE they pull out their phones, they are bombarded with text messages, phone calls, voicemails, news alerts, push notifications, TikTok videos, etc., and they immediately forget what they just witnessed.
As I said, I’m drowning in debt. I recently calculated in my head what I’ve likely spent out of pocket to perform music for other people over the last 25 years. And guess what? Those amounts are basically the same.
So, again I ask. Was it worth it?
Perhaps one day after I’m gone, somebody somewhere will somehow take notice and write about my output, and wouldn’t that be wonderful? If that were magically to happen, then I guess it WAS worth it. But at this point, I just don’t know.
When I was fresh out of college, I got a job working for a guy who had a Masters in Business from UNC-Chapel Hill. He took that valuable education and figured out a way to basically legally rip people off. Back in those days, universities had newsletters or “zines,” and in the back section were sponsored advertisements. Did you ever see that section and notice a blurb that said something like “Would you like to work on a cruise ship? We can help you to fulfill that dream!” or some such nonsense. It had a phone # to call - and if you called, you ended up talking to someone like ME - and it was simply my job to convince you to buy this guy’s book that supposedly walks you through the process on how to get hired in the industry.
Instead of going back to school and getting ensnared in religious studies — which taught me to think critically, ask tough questions, sift through BS, and have general empathy and compassion towards my fellow human beings — perhaps I should have just followed in that guy’s footsteps and created my own such company dedicated to preying on impressionable young minds. Perhaps had I gone down that road, instead of dedicating myself to education, music, writing, composing, arranging, performing, etc., well, perhaps I wouldn’t be worried about potentially being homeless in 5 months.
So what do you all think? Should I have foregone all the music I have dumped my own money into over my time in NYC, and just focused on making as much cash as possible as a conman? Seems I’d be living a much different life had I followed that path instead.
Please support my work if you would vote “music” instead of “money.”
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