Announcing my candidacy

I would like to officially announce my candidacy to represent the 13th Congressional district of the great state of New York in the United States House of Representatives!

It makes perfect sense! I’m currently unemployed, burning through what little savings I have, and will probably have quite a few past due bills to pay at some point in 2026. So, why not shoot the moon and go for a job that pays more money that I have ever imagined making? Currently, house representatives make $174,000 annually. With that, I could pay off all of my debt, pay in advance to keep my apartment for a few years, and start actually settling aside something for retirement!

Also, anyone paying attention knows that I have for years been very critical of the whole idea of the 40-hour workweek. How surprised I was to just learn that Congress works less than half the year, with the House averaging 147 legislative days annually. This deal sounds better and better!

And O. M. G. The Vacation days! This crop of representatives who just showed up for their first day or work were, well, told to just not show up for their first day of work! And now they’ve had 28 free days off, without a care in the world. It’s like winter snow days at school, but for weeks on end! And, did I hear that Speaker Johnson has basically said the shutdown will likely last through the end of the year? I mean, holy crap, DREAM JOB, AMIRIGHT???

So, I hope all of you will campaign for me, stump for me, send me campaign contributions, and if you live in my district, VOTE FOR ME! I shall represent New York to the best of my ability from home in my pajamas, eschewing those annoying morning alarms, having my morning coffee in the afternoon, sneaking in a late afternoon nap to cuddle with my cat, and then check social media to keep up with what’s not going on at all in government. Excelsior!

Basically, this is my dream scenario for a full time job. THE DUDE, INDEED, ABIDES.

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