The Heartbreak of Unfolding Awareness

As a country, we are officially in a new normal. Perhaps that has been the case for a while now, and maybe it’s just only now truly starting to sink in for me individually. But, today, my heart broke.

It didn’t break for our country, democracy, or the constitution — as I believe these things are still mildly salvageable if we can work hard, come together, and take the country back from those who wish to impose any of the following, take your pick: oligarchy, kleptocracy, fascism, authoritarianism, Christian Nationalism, racism, civil war, etc. There may still be a bit of time left, although the window is closing, and quickly.

No. Today, my heart broke for ME. In the midst of everything going on around us, this is a selfish sensation to be sure. But, I had a realization today that hit me like a ton of bricks, and I’m feeling quite like Debbie Downer today.

My realization was that due to this current administration, that there is no way in hell I am going to get the dreamiest of all possible dream jobs. I have accepted the fact that I’m not going to be able to support myself full-time as a creative type, so yes, I have been looking for something to help me stay afloat and pay the bills. That job — the absolute perfect job for me — found its way into my orbit a month ago. The deadline to apply was last Tuesday night at 11:59pm, and I submitted my materials about an hour before that, with high hopes and aspirations, fingers crossed, rubbing a lucky rabbit’s foot, and even praying to god.

I just realized they will never consider me.

I’m obviously not shy about broadcasting my political feelings and frustrations on social media, and have been doing so for many years. For, isn’t that speech guaranteed by the First Amendment of the Constitution? Well, at least it was for about 249 years. But not any more.

If you remember, I shared a link about a teaching fellowship at Princeton University which would be a 2-year appointment, would include the chance to get back in front of a classroom, and would honestly be more money than I’d ever made in my entire life. And summers off as the icing on the cake! And in ANY other year in American history, I believe I would have had an honest shot at being chosen for this prestigious fellowship. Those who remember my post will recall me saying something like, “Boy, if my Patreon were ever made for ANYTHING, this is it!!” And it truly was. I imagine my application almost came across in a fashion similar to Elle Woods’ in “Legally Blonde” — meaning that it was SO different and unique that it would surely stand out.

I honestly believed I would be seriously considered for this honor.

But today, in this new insane political climate we live in, I remembered that the current administration is literally targeting universities in general, and this school in particular. So, you see, whereas even JUST ONE YEAR AGO I believe my Patreon page would have made me a strong contender for this position, I woke today realizing that there is no way in hell they could consider me. Not WON’T or WOULDN’T consider me. They CAN’T consider me. Because they have to toe the line and play by the new rules being set by authoritarians who want to whitewash our history, get rid of anyone with dark skin tones, squash free speech, and squelch any ideology that leans at all to the left of “YOU HAVE TO DO AND BELIEVE EXACTLY AS WE SAY OR ELSE YOU’RE THE ENEMY AND YOU DON’T BELONG HERE IN OUR SACRED SPACE AND YOU WILL BE REMOVED BECAUSE ALMIGHTY GOD AND PRESIDENT TRUMP BOTH SAY SO, IF THERE EVEN EXISTS ANY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE TWO ANYMORE.”

So, as I stated in my post yesterday: EVEN IF I had stopped posting any political material the day after Trump was reelected, my historical digital footprint is solid and set in stone, and it would take a simple minimum wage office clerk only 2 minutes to flag me as a “political dissident” using AI, because my beliefs don’t conform to the disastrous dictators seeking to cleanse the country of anyone who doesn’t adhere to or espouse right wing ideology.

I’m not sorry for being politically active or outspoken in the past. That was a right afforded me by our nation’s foundational documents that we’ve all seriously taken for granted for decades if not centuries. I’m not sorry for broadcasting it publicly, as that is the way this country has run for almost 250 years.

But it does break my heart that I can’t even be considered for my perfect dream job because of my past political voice. Before 2025, my thoughts and views might have even been celebrated by the search committee. But now, I’m sure they simply have to “play it safe.”

I will not stop being critical of this current administration. I am going to scream about what I see until they round me up and ship me off to who the hell knows where. Just because they say those fundamental rights are now gone doesn’t mean we have to agree with them. And if we DO stop being critical, then we obey in advance, and they win easily.

We have to make it as hard as possible if we hope to have anything left. So, I will continue to do so. I’ll just take a few days to grieve this lost opportunity, and the absolute insanity of the mere fact that I can’t be considered for the reasons enumerated above.

It’s just bonkers that this is now the United States of America.

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